On Being Depressed

Just a quick disclaimer: even though I am going through a tough time, I am doing alright. I just wanted to write it how it is and not only the good parts.

Here I am in what some call the most beautiful city in the world and yet I cannot stop crying. I guess it is just “the emotional curve” setting in, but I really just don’t want to be here anymore. Everything is alright when I am out and about, but every time I come home I feel a dark cloud surround me… loneliness. I have never lived alone before, but I never imagined it would affect me so much. Also, the babysitting gets me down sometimes. Maybe it is that I see a happy family and I miss mine, or that the kids are little brats sometimes… but I have to keep telling myself that eventually I will have to separate from my family and that kids will be kids. It is not like I don’t get to talk to my family… thanks to the internet I talk to at least one person every few days. I guess I am just having a tough time adjusting. I only wish I could just get over because I love that I am here and while I am nervous about my classes, I am excited for the challenge.

As far as school goes, I think I finally have a set schedule. Boy, is French University fun! First, I had to find classes that I found interesting and/or correlated to a class I need to take to graduate. Then I had to go check out the boards where the schedules are posted. As a side note, I feel that France has yet to maximize internet usage. The way class schedules work for French kids is totally different than in America, not worse, different. See, you choose what you are going to study and then you are put into a track. And while there are “options” that you can follow, you are pretty much with the same people for every class, going from place to place together. And instead of making the classes follow each other, (for example at SF State, one class will be from 8 to 8:50 and the next class will start at nine, leaving enough time to get from class to class and potentially giving a nice compact schedule) the classes are on the hour, usually leaving about an hour in between classes. Back to the boards now, while looking at these boards I know that I have to be out of school by 4 at the latest because of my au pair-ship. I finally figured out what I wanted and then needed to go see the secretary of the department, who I did not have to wait too long for, but seemed bothered by me. I guess this is to be expected because half of my language prep class was based on dealing with University secretaries. So I finally feel like I have accomplished something, only to be torn down the next day. Apparently one of the classes changed the schedule leaving me scrambling to find 3 more hours of class. Then I went to a class last Thursday, Intro to Public Policy, to realize that there was no way I was going to be able to follow the lectures and understand the concepts, so now I am looking for 5 more hours. Gee, imagine my happiness! I eventually figured it out and have now been to all of my classes and think I will be able to do it. I am pretty scared of failing everything, but hey, that is what a challenge is; fear.

So on a more positive note, I had a really awesome weekend. Last Saturday night was La Nuit Blanche. This is a night put on by the Mairie de Paris (the city of Paris), where there are little events happening all over Paris all night long. The first place we went was the Tuilleries, the garden in front of the Louvre. There was fire everywhere. They had all these terracotta pots full of wax burning. They lined the pathway and were formed into giant balls and at the end of the pathway there was a fire chandelier hanging from a crane. It was really awesome. After that we walked all around Paris… a lot of walking happened this day, between The Eiffel Tower, Pont des Arts, and the Louvre. While we were walking around, we heard the madness of the rugby match and well, Les Bleus (France) are now in the Rugby World Cup Semi-Final, which goes down tonight against England. We eventually made it back to the Tuilleries for warmth; fire equals warm, and had a conversation with some real French people. Yay! As it was closing, we ran into some other friends from California and so we all left and happily ate some churros together. We then walked to the all night Metro, but in search for a bathroom we decided to stop by an open church, La Madeleine. Little did we know that inside there was a crazy event going on. We walked inside and everything was dark and there was this earthy new-age music playing and all these people standing on little platforms. They had these neon blue sticks and they were slowly swinging them around. There were other people just kind of walking around below. We watched in awe for a few minutes, but eventually got up the nerve to go in. It was amazing, the sticks were hollow and the people holding them would sort of choose a random person. Once you are chosen you are supposed to put the stick to your ear and the person talks to you through it. They whisper poetry into your ear and it is one of the most incredible feelings. It was so bizarre, but amazing.

Eventually I got home around 7:30 and the next day I woke up at about 2:30. I joined some friends and we went to the Musée Rodin and saw “The Thinker,” but even cooler than that, we stopped to sit on a bench and saw a bunch of balloons float up into infinity. We hung out for the rest of the day and walked around a lot (as usual). It is so much fun to just walk around Paris. So yeah, that is about it for now, as if I haven’t typed your eyes off (talked your ears off?). I guess it doesn’t really sound too good that way, but oh well. I hope everyone is doing well!

-Kathy